Life's Journey through a Woman's Eyes

You are my love, you are my sunshine
You are my heart, my joy, just mine
I live to hear your voice every day we are apart
I live to see your smile when we are together all the time we are apart
I know you fill me – body, mind and soul
You make me whole

Am I just a wife – part of the marriage deal?
What about my dreams and needs?
They began to whither was I struggled to live the life based on your wants
I never thought I would have to fight for your attention and love
Maybe we took it for granted that love
I wanted to be one and know you body, mind and soul
In everything I said and did, no matter how foolish and misguided, that’s been my only goal

Every woman dreams of a family and children she creates with the one she loves
I thought that was your dream too
I was ready to and did do a lot to make our dream come true
Sadly you changed your dreams and I never knew
Just let me make plans – pipe dreams, castles in the air,
Disappointments, confusion and no one to share
Yet another dream to give up

When I returned from a short break I was hugged and kissed and felt I was missed
You wanted me!! I had struck gold again
The caring and sharing and the openness wiped out the pain
I was in love again, lost in the feeling of this newness again
The smile on my face refused to budge just as my libido
I wore my heart on my sleeve – to the world on show
It was life the first time, renewing our vows with our bodies and minds
A life I wished all would find.

The despair that is my life
What have a lacked as a wife?
Death would be welcome
If you do not come
I am so stupid I cannot even do something about that
Slicing the arteries on the wrist will stop the pain – that’s a fact
But the thought of causing you pain
I have nothing to gain
I asked time and again tell what you want
I will make my wants your want
But you are hard, will give me nothing to live on
Just ask me to live on
Slowly I began to accept my fate
The efforts to make a change were too late
I made a life lacking in hope
Lived every with death the only hope
To be free of this pain

To make matters worse I became ill
Every breath eventually became an act of will
I could not do for others as before
All my devotion of the past wiped out forever more
The betrayal is great was I ever more than a useful slave?
Why cannot anyone see my pain and put some love salve?
Give up hope give up feelings give up love
Forget that you ever were and free myself of love

Best live in the shadows, do what I am told
If I was to have my love – you - to hold
Diverted my passion to study
Forgetfulness that provided was heady
Going though the motions of living
Does not a life make.

Then you spoke to me again
Sharing and caring once again
I ask myself is this likely to remain?
I was to accept the care and love
My heart cautions can this be true
Dare I take up this roller coaster ride
You persuade me, take a leap of faith,
Game your heart for I am on your side
I will keep alive your faith
My heart flutters a first stirring of life in a long time
Will you remain true this time?

You talk of past and about moving on and I listen
Happy to have you back and I think you will also listen
Then you go and shoot my dreams down in flames
I do not know you are playing what games
You find her and I caution think about the motives
You write to her saying I just want to know she is fine
You say you are my life and wife but I want to have closure this time
Things are escalating out of hand
With my life still clutched in your hand
I care, I could have shared, but you never trusted me enough
Now I am bereft, I know not what to do
I know not what to say
Tears roll unbidden, dreams and heart in tatters once again
Stupid to feel so much so strongly about someone I do not know
But you know

I am terrified I am loosing you
You say you are aware that you are going through the infatuation stage now
But where am I now?
Where will I be soon?
I am not too proud to beg
Please give me back my life and love
I cannot share you now loose you
I cannot live without you
I can only say please oh please be MINE
I will stop being foolish, life with you is my only wish

On Mother's Day

Suddenly mother’s day is here
Everyone scrabbling to get a card,
And a present for someone so dear
But should this be only for the day

Mother protects and teaches
Mother cares and nurtures
Mother wipes away my tears
Mother kisses the hurt away
Mother encourages my abilities
Mother praises my achievements
Mother envelops my world with love
This she does every day and in every way
So why should mother’s day be only for a day
The love, care and respect for her
To be shown everyday

Ask those who do not have their mother
To care and cuddle, love and kiss the tears away
No one to soothe the pain of hurt
No one to murmur praise to keep you going
We all take mother and what she does for granted
Only when she is gone we realise she is always wanted

My mother is not there
She seems to have vanished
I shout as loud as I can for her
Tears streaming down my face
Looking here and there
I wake up from the nightmare
Its middle of the night
But I am eager to hear her voice
Reassure myself that she is there
To envelop my world with love
Thank god for everyday I have my mother
Not just on mother’s day

Preparing for Viva

Submitting the thesis was a very moving experience. Actually seeing the size of the hard copy had me stunned. I mean I am finding it hard to pick one copy and walk around! OK OK I know that is because I still have problems with my muscles but you know what I mean. Also never having handled such a big document as an e-copy I found that my editing was not as good as I had assumed it to be. So I got stuck right into editing on the hard copy. It was also an opportunity to read the complete thesis and re familiarise myself with all the important points.

Then I had my mock viva ...... while I do know my work inside out and the mock was being carried out by my supervisors it was still a daunting process. They were familiar with the research projects where i worked collaboratively to gather my data and so in my mind much more likely to find weaknesses. But then I do know that the examiners were most likely to find issues to clarify as they are not familiar with the projects. I also find that collaborative approach to PhD is not so common with the UK universities but much more common in Europe.

There are many advantages of carrying out collaborative research. It allowed me to work with an experienced research team on real projects. It gave me the confidence of working within the team while developing my research skills. The collaborative approach further allows for strengthening the findings of my research as they get incorporated into project reports and also publications related to the two different projects. This approach also makes it feasible to carry out those kinds of researches for a PhD which would otherwise not be possible to do due to reasons of financial and logistical implications. This approach allowed me to compare two very different synchronous online learning tools which are cutting edge software.

What came as a good surprise that when answering the questions in the viva I was to make extensive reference to my thesis. I was not expected to answer from memory. Rather my memory was more to ensure I got to the appropriate parts of the writing. This will mean the need to at least have a few tags for the key points so I can go right to the answers. That will be done with the second reading of the thesis. Then I think I will be as ready as I ever will be. I just hope there is not a lot of re writing suggested by the examiners. Most likely it would be with regards to clarity of linking the findings to examples and of explanations. Fingers crossed......... So another week to have butterflies and anxiety before the d-day...