My love for reading was fostered by my older sister albeit unintentionally. She was a lot older than me and did not wish to spend time ‘playing’ with me or keeping me entertained. She loved to read and so would tell me to go read a book and not bother her. Slowly I began to love reading books. It allowed me to dream, escape in the world created by the words of the author. Every time I read something it was new as my imagination allowed a slightly different world to be created.
I have always enjoyed browsing in a book shop. When I was a teenager I was allowed to buy a couple of books every month and going to buy them was a exciting event. I would generally go alone to the ‘India Bookhouse’ which was the nearest book shop. The walk to the shop was something I could never remember as I was busy thinking about what I would buy! Would there be any new books to thumb through or would I have to choose from the ones I could not buy before.
My interest has always been in reading fiction. The early read of Enid Blyton’s soon gave away to Agatha Christie, Earl Stanley Gardner and Alastair MacLean. While I did avidly read romantic novels it was not something I spent money to buy. The ones to buy were those I would read time and again. I would skip into the shop with joy and have a quick look at what books were out in the front. Then I would slowly look through each shelf checking the authors on it. After this initial browse, I settled next to the authors that I wished to read. I would take time to read the abstract at the back of each book. Move from author to author. If I had read all the books then I skipped the books unless there was a different front cover. I would need to read the synopsis then for I recognised most books I had by their cover itself.
It took quite some time to make a complete round of the shop. Not that it was a large shop when compared to the ones I visit now. I would finally short list a few books that I wanted. Now came the big decision making time….. I could only buy two and so would read the synopsis of all books again. Often it was a difficult decision as to which one I wanted read as a priority. After much debating I would reluctantly put the other books back. I knew I would return next month and buy them but it did not stop me from feeling a little sad as I returned them to the shelves.
After paying for the books and wrapping in a paper bag I would still linger in the shop before starting to walk home. All the way thinking of the information I had read in the synopsis of my books and planning which one was going to be read first. Such a simple but deeply satisfying pleasure in indulging my passion for reading. By the time I turned 18 the collection of books bought by myself and my sister was 300 strong. The authors varied from Agatha Christie to PG Wodehouse to Neville Shute to Alistair MacLean to Pearl S Buck to Ian Fleming. All my books were marked by the date of purchase and my name. One of my cousins’ commented that from these dates one could plot my changes in taste and development of thinking. I had certainly not realised that indeed the books I had showed my own development.
Then I went to university and my parents moved to Mumbai. Sadly they gave away all my books and with it my memories and personal history. I took me a long time to stop grieving over the loss of my books. When I moved to UK I restarted my hobby of buy books. I did find some of the books I used to have in second hand shops and bought them again. My taste in fiction remains with thrillers, spy novels and murder mysteries. I go to the local library in short bursts and read books from there. I still can visit a books shop and get lost in a different world of imagination. I have begun to find e-books and so a virtual library has also started. The joy of reading and visualising the story unfold will always remain more precious than movies of the same.
Sunday, 3 October 2010
Monday, 27 September 2010
Summer hibernation is over
It has been a long time since I wrote my blog. Not sure why I did not write... maybe too much going on in my head and trying to figure out what I want to do. There is so much I would love to try my hand at. Have always wanted to write - poetry and prose. However never got around to writing and always felt diffident about my skills.
Autumn has started from 25th Sept. as this day the winds came down from the arctic and temperature dropped to max. 15C.. brrrrr First thing I said on opening my eyes was, 'put the heating on' to my husband. The rain is back with a vengeance too, drizzle all day with intermittent heavy showers. When the sun shines I quickly get my sun bathing in. Through out autumn and winter the sun shines all day in the bedroom so getting my vitamin D is the priority.
Changing season and cold has also caused a flareup of my arthritis... the pain is exquisite and like a ripples through the body. Wonder if anyone ever died just from pure pain.Looking for a doctor proved frustrating and so got to self medicating to take the edge off. Took 10 days to get hold of someone and finally got an appointment with both the outpatient's and the GP! seems there is famine or feast in this as well. Hey ho am happy with some boosting of drugs and so can move about and even go out for lunch... been in doors for 2 weeks and so it felt real good to be out.
The aim now is hopefully to keep this low level of pain and be back to old dosages of drugs. The brain has come out of the haze of pain and begun to tick again. Lots of ideas for indulging in personal well being. Look out for better blogging with diverse topics like travel, snap shots of life, maybe some amusing penning and occasional recipe as well as poetry. Am planing to returning to drawing and water colour painting. Oh so many things I want to do... and I shall slowly get there!
Autumn has started from 25th Sept. as this day the winds came down from the arctic and temperature dropped to max. 15C.. brrrrr First thing I said on opening my eyes was, 'put the heating on' to my husband. The rain is back with a vengeance too, drizzle all day with intermittent heavy showers. When the sun shines I quickly get my sun bathing in. Through out autumn and winter the sun shines all day in the bedroom so getting my vitamin D is the priority.
Changing season and cold has also caused a flareup of my arthritis... the pain is exquisite and like a ripples through the body. Wonder if anyone ever died just from pure pain.Looking for a doctor proved frustrating and so got to self medicating to take the edge off. Took 10 days to get hold of someone and finally got an appointment with both the outpatient's and the GP! seems there is famine or feast in this as well. Hey ho am happy with some boosting of drugs and so can move about and even go out for lunch... been in doors for 2 weeks and so it felt real good to be out.
The aim now is hopefully to keep this low level of pain and be back to old dosages of drugs. The brain has come out of the haze of pain and begun to tick again. Lots of ideas for indulging in personal well being. Look out for better blogging with diverse topics like travel, snap shots of life, maybe some amusing penning and occasional recipe as well as poetry. Am planing to returning to drawing and water colour painting. Oh so many things I want to do... and I shall slowly get there!
Friday, 28 May 2010
Lady of Leisure
I have stopped working now for nearly a couple of months. It is a novel experience not to have to get up early and rush of to work at 6 30 am. The daily rush of work - emails, tutorials - both online and on phone, preparing teaching materials and teaching online, marking papers, helping out colleagues to work online and develop their modules for online delivery - and then returning home sometimes as late as 6 30 pm.
I enjoyed teaching and supporting my students. The challenge of getting that light bulb to flash on is always thrilling. So often the students need someone to believe in their abilities and help them get the confidence to become independent learners. I have heard from students making an inquiry about a degree program that talking to me has given them the confidence to think they can do it. Why do many teachers think that they have to ensure their academic importance by making students dependent on them? Can one not see that whatever the student becomes reflects on the kind of teacher you have been? Much as I enjoy the practice of helping people learn, it is a nice change to be able to just relax. Not rush about everyday, worry about keeping up with the loads of drafts waiting for feedback, marking judiciously all the scripts sitting on the table, responding to inquiries and writing of reports (some thing that's never ending).
Now I have time to stop and smell the roses... contemplate on important matters such as what will I do today? Call some friends? Meet up someone for lunch? rest as the bones are aching today? write mails or just play games? Contemplate on life and its meaning? Read fiction or indeed some spiritually uplifting text? One thing though is that keeping in touch with, establishing and maintaining relationship with family that I had lost touch with has become important to me. It is sad that time flies by and I have been busy .. with what you may ask? Well busy with work, busy earning to pay the mortgage, getting higher qualifications, wrapped up in my own world of work - home - sleep. I remembered the people I love everyday but had no time to get in touch and express that feeling of love. In the days gone by the phone calls were expensive and writing letters was never my forte nor of my friends and family. I just assumed that one day I can just start back the relationships which were on hold. It is not so easy and now I find that people have grown up and also grown apart. I have started calling people and making contact to get back into the fabric of family.
The social networking tool face book has proved to be very useful. I have got many of my nieces and nephews on it. Most of them I have not seen and a few I do know were very little when I last saw them. It is such a pleasure to find the younger generation fun to talk to. I have tried to develop a separate relationship with each one. Finding out who they are as individuals is enjoyable and also am proud of who they are becoming. There is also a singular lack of the gossiping and one-up-man ship traits of my generation which is endearing. The relationships are one to one and level of family discussions is very limited. Strangely I also find that while they all address me as aunt I get treated as a friend. I find myself cherishing these relationship and find that each person has found a space in my heart.
Another aspect I have discovered in during this leisure time is find the friends from my past. Got hold of a couple of ladies that I did my A levels with. Suddenly seeing each other as grown up with families felt strange. Then I found a few more people who were from College of Nursing AFMC Pune. It was good to get to know what people have been doing with their careers and about their families. It came as a surprise that many of them felt I have become serious. Upon reflection yes.. I was a monkey, always playing the fool and in the center of any prank going. Surely I have not become a serious and quiet person. Well I have changed a lot as family and work responsibilities have made me so.... but during this leisure time I am getting in touch again with my fun side. I have always had a good sense of humor and its only a matter to dig deep and find it. I know its easier said than done. But nevertheless I am slowly getting there. Telling myself time and again the positives of being fun gal helps.
So you see the start of leisure time has meant a journey of discovery of self and of family and friends. I find this is a very important journey in understanding myself and my relationships and the world that is mine. It allows me to see my place in the world and family and my contributions to it. Also its fun to reminiscence and see how far we have come in our lives.
I enjoyed teaching and supporting my students. The challenge of getting that light bulb to flash on is always thrilling. So often the students need someone to believe in their abilities and help them get the confidence to become independent learners. I have heard from students making an inquiry about a degree program that talking to me has given them the confidence to think they can do it. Why do many teachers think that they have to ensure their academic importance by making students dependent on them? Can one not see that whatever the student becomes reflects on the kind of teacher you have been? Much as I enjoy the practice of helping people learn, it is a nice change to be able to just relax. Not rush about everyday, worry about keeping up with the loads of drafts waiting for feedback, marking judiciously all the scripts sitting on the table, responding to inquiries and writing of reports (some thing that's never ending).
Now I have time to stop and smell the roses... contemplate on important matters such as what will I do today? Call some friends? Meet up someone for lunch? rest as the bones are aching today? write mails or just play games? Contemplate on life and its meaning? Read fiction or indeed some spiritually uplifting text? One thing though is that keeping in touch with, establishing and maintaining relationship with family that I had lost touch with has become important to me. It is sad that time flies by and I have been busy .. with what you may ask? Well busy with work, busy earning to pay the mortgage, getting higher qualifications, wrapped up in my own world of work - home - sleep. I remembered the people I love everyday but had no time to get in touch and express that feeling of love. In the days gone by the phone calls were expensive and writing letters was never my forte nor of my friends and family. I just assumed that one day I can just start back the relationships which were on hold. It is not so easy and now I find that people have grown up and also grown apart. I have started calling people and making contact to get back into the fabric of family.
The social networking tool face book has proved to be very useful. I have got many of my nieces and nephews on it. Most of them I have not seen and a few I do know were very little when I last saw them. It is such a pleasure to find the younger generation fun to talk to. I have tried to develop a separate relationship with each one. Finding out who they are as individuals is enjoyable and also am proud of who they are becoming. There is also a singular lack of the gossiping and one-up-man ship traits of my generation which is endearing. The relationships are one to one and level of family discussions is very limited. Strangely I also find that while they all address me as aunt I get treated as a friend. I find myself cherishing these relationship and find that each person has found a space in my heart.
Another aspect I have discovered in during this leisure time is find the friends from my past. Got hold of a couple of ladies that I did my A levels with. Suddenly seeing each other as grown up with families felt strange. Then I found a few more people who were from College of Nursing AFMC Pune. It was good to get to know what people have been doing with their careers and about their families. It came as a surprise that many of them felt I have become serious. Upon reflection yes.. I was a monkey, always playing the fool and in the center of any prank going. Surely I have not become a serious and quiet person. Well I have changed a lot as family and work responsibilities have made me so.... but during this leisure time I am getting in touch again with my fun side. I have always had a good sense of humor and its only a matter to dig deep and find it. I know its easier said than done. But nevertheless I am slowly getting there. Telling myself time and again the positives of being fun gal helps.
So you see the start of leisure time has meant a journey of discovery of self and of family and friends. I find this is a very important journey in understanding myself and my relationships and the world that is mine. It allows me to see my place in the world and family and my contributions to it. Also its fun to reminiscence and see how far we have come in our lives.
Monday, 19 April 2010
Stop being a Victim!
Most of my friends and family know by now about my viva experience. It was hard to accept the fact that I am a victim of bullying and discrimination. I have been in the UK for 25 years and have been teaching for 20 plus years of which 17 have been as a senior lecturer in health and social care. This vast experience of inter-professional education from access to masters level was suddenly for nothing. My examiners took away all my confidence and self-esteem with a few chosen sentences. They breached every principle of teaching and assessment by not providing even one positive comment during the viva.
Whats is bullying? Normally I do not like to use Wikipedia for information but in this case it is easier and identified the central issues. I have not been spoken to like this is many many years. I felt suddenly not the responsible and in control adult but a worthless waste of space as I did not meet the expectations of the examiners. This verbal destruction of a person is as bad if not worse that physical bullying as it raises stress level, makes people physically ill and leaves the depressed and on occasion feeling suicidal. I forgot that I was a victim and that it was not my fault or responsibility how my tormentors behaved. I took on all the accusation to the true.
Why did this happen? I am a fairly assertive person but prefer to avoid conflict and give people chance to change their approach. I think this makes people think I do not say anything because I cannot say anything. The keeping quiet in the first place is seen as a sign of weakness and to be exploited. Normally, if the behavior of the other person does not change I do make a point of being assertive and discuss the issue with the individual. I learned a long time ago (when I was studying in the army)that angry outburst does not serve any useful purpose. That's why I give people 3 chances to make a change by hinting at the issue and also by role modeling the acceptable behavior. This motto has served me well in the last 2 decades. I had got used to being taken seriously in personal as well as professional life, in both nursing and education professions. That is why this experience was an unexpected shock and I was not prepared to be assertive on the spot.
It took me a whole week to calm down and stop crying. It was another week before I could articulate my feelings of pain, shame, worthlessness and eventually anger. It was the loving support of my husband, family and friends that made me see that I was a victim of bullying. All the comments made by the examiners were not true. I have been successfully carrying out my professional duties and responsibilities for many years. I have students who after nearly 2 decades tell me how they have valued my input in their careers. All of them cannot be wrong and just 2 people who have not idea about who I am cannot be right.
Assessment is a process of learning. I have assessed students both on paper and in vivas and have had to fail them on occasion. But I have never destroyed a student. They always felt supported with clear constructive feedback and went away knowing what issues needed to be improved and why. My viva has left me confused and disheartened as a month later and I still do not know what was wrong! On reflection I feel that they did not believe any work in the thesis was my own. They were questioning me on basic information like who is the key person in relation to the concept of community of learners! If the whole work was through a collaborative approach how far does one specify exactly what you did and exactly what each person of the research team did! Viva is supposed to be for defending your research findings but I do not feel I was allowed to defend anything. I was not allowed to complete my answers or show where the issues in question were within the thesis. From the verbal onslaught I gathered that while methodology, the process and presentation of the work was not wrong they just did not believe it was my words, since large parts were within the project reports. Well they would be as I wrote the reports! But this brought a response that I was copying from myself and should be using quotations... wonder if the quotation can cover most of the chapter? And also to be told that my English was not good just floored me totally. I do not think I was able to form a coherent sentence by this time.
Did my supervisor sense that something was wrong? I am not sure since he did not delve into my comments about what happened but went into defensive that the responsibility of the 'poor' work was all mine! Sadly he did not see that the comments made were not just insulting and bullying towards me but also towards the quality of supervision he had provided. Eventually I wrote a mail to the VC and deputy VC and Head of School complaining about this soul destroying viva experience. But of course the investigation cannot be carried out until there is a formal complaint or appeal against the result. I asked for advice from the student's union. While they made all the right supportive noises, this is between term time and so mails goign back and forth slowly. Why they cannot use the phone is beyond me. But I shall persevere as I want to make sure no one else has to suffer this kind of an ordeal.
Stop being a victim! I tell myself this when ever the memories come flooding in and nearly overwhelm me again. I am worth something and have value int this world. How can people have such massive egos where they feel they are the last word in the universe. In the grand scheme of things they also r on the same par with everyone else. What they do is not any more important that what I or others do. I remind myself that when in the one room if one of them passed out I would have been the most important person as I would be able to give first aid! How does doing some work in e-learning make you so important? I was doing the research for pleasure of learnign and giving back to my colleagues something that would help them as a lot of what i know had come from trial and error. Hopefully my work will shorten their learning curve. I do not want to use this qualification for moving up some career ladder as I am happy facilitating learning.
Now I am having to rebuild my confidence and self-esteem. I have to remind myself of the skills I have and the feedback I have from colleagues and students of the years in the form of appreciative comments. Am I going to complete the rewriting of the thesis? I hope so but the pleasure of learning has been sadly destroyed by the 'teachers' who carried out the viva. I am trying to also recover from the stress induced relapse of my illness. The pain levels have to be controlled with more medication. Maybe I will start by completing the drafts of papers for publications that I was doing. Concentrate on other things in life like sorting out my home and clearing the junk. It also is I feel a time for change. I also am not sure I want to be thought of as a peer with the people who behaved in such a bad manner. So I will wait a bit longer and slowly get back into the studying. I will and can make a difference. I will hold my head up and fight for my right as a human being not to be bullied.
Whats is bullying? Normally I do not like to use Wikipedia for information but in this case it is easier and identified the central issues. I have not been spoken to like this is many many years. I felt suddenly not the responsible and in control adult but a worthless waste of space as I did not meet the expectations of the examiners. This verbal destruction of a person is as bad if not worse that physical bullying as it raises stress level, makes people physically ill and leaves the depressed and on occasion feeling suicidal. I forgot that I was a victim and that it was not my fault or responsibility how my tormentors behaved. I took on all the accusation to the true.
Why did this happen? I am a fairly assertive person but prefer to avoid conflict and give people chance to change their approach. I think this makes people think I do not say anything because I cannot say anything. The keeping quiet in the first place is seen as a sign of weakness and to be exploited. Normally, if the behavior of the other person does not change I do make a point of being assertive and discuss the issue with the individual. I learned a long time ago (when I was studying in the army)that angry outburst does not serve any useful purpose. That's why I give people 3 chances to make a change by hinting at the issue and also by role modeling the acceptable behavior. This motto has served me well in the last 2 decades. I had got used to being taken seriously in personal as well as professional life, in both nursing and education professions. That is why this experience was an unexpected shock and I was not prepared to be assertive on the spot.
It took me a whole week to calm down and stop crying. It was another week before I could articulate my feelings of pain, shame, worthlessness and eventually anger. It was the loving support of my husband, family and friends that made me see that I was a victim of bullying. All the comments made by the examiners were not true. I have been successfully carrying out my professional duties and responsibilities for many years. I have students who after nearly 2 decades tell me how they have valued my input in their careers. All of them cannot be wrong and just 2 people who have not idea about who I am cannot be right.
Assessment is a process of learning. I have assessed students both on paper and in vivas and have had to fail them on occasion. But I have never destroyed a student. They always felt supported with clear constructive feedback and went away knowing what issues needed to be improved and why. My viva has left me confused and disheartened as a month later and I still do not know what was wrong! On reflection I feel that they did not believe any work in the thesis was my own. They were questioning me on basic information like who is the key person in relation to the concept of community of learners! If the whole work was through a collaborative approach how far does one specify exactly what you did and exactly what each person of the research team did! Viva is supposed to be for defending your research findings but I do not feel I was allowed to defend anything. I was not allowed to complete my answers or show where the issues in question were within the thesis. From the verbal onslaught I gathered that while methodology, the process and presentation of the work was not wrong they just did not believe it was my words, since large parts were within the project reports. Well they would be as I wrote the reports! But this brought a response that I was copying from myself and should be using quotations... wonder if the quotation can cover most of the chapter? And also to be told that my English was not good just floored me totally. I do not think I was able to form a coherent sentence by this time.
Did my supervisor sense that something was wrong? I am not sure since he did not delve into my comments about what happened but went into defensive that the responsibility of the 'poor' work was all mine! Sadly he did not see that the comments made were not just insulting and bullying towards me but also towards the quality of supervision he had provided. Eventually I wrote a mail to the VC and deputy VC and Head of School complaining about this soul destroying viva experience. But of course the investigation cannot be carried out until there is a formal complaint or appeal against the result. I asked for advice from the student's union. While they made all the right supportive noises, this is between term time and so mails goign back and forth slowly. Why they cannot use the phone is beyond me. But I shall persevere as I want to make sure no one else has to suffer this kind of an ordeal.
Stop being a victim! I tell myself this when ever the memories come flooding in and nearly overwhelm me again. I am worth something and have value int this world. How can people have such massive egos where they feel they are the last word in the universe. In the grand scheme of things they also r on the same par with everyone else. What they do is not any more important that what I or others do. I remind myself that when in the one room if one of them passed out I would have been the most important person as I would be able to give first aid! How does doing some work in e-learning make you so important? I was doing the research for pleasure of learnign and giving back to my colleagues something that would help them as a lot of what i know had come from trial and error. Hopefully my work will shorten their learning curve. I do not want to use this qualification for moving up some career ladder as I am happy facilitating learning.
Now I am having to rebuild my confidence and self-esteem. I have to remind myself of the skills I have and the feedback I have from colleagues and students of the years in the form of appreciative comments. Am I going to complete the rewriting of the thesis? I hope so but the pleasure of learning has been sadly destroyed by the 'teachers' who carried out the viva. I am trying to also recover from the stress induced relapse of my illness. The pain levels have to be controlled with more medication. Maybe I will start by completing the drafts of papers for publications that I was doing. Concentrate on other things in life like sorting out my home and clearing the junk. It also is I feel a time for change. I also am not sure I want to be thought of as a peer with the people who behaved in such a bad manner. So I will wait a bit longer and slowly get back into the studying. I will and can make a difference. I will hold my head up and fight for my right as a human being not to be bullied.
Saturday, 13 March 2010
Life's Journey through a Woman's Eyes
You are my love, you are my sunshine
You are my heart, my joy, just mine
I live to hear your voice every day we are apart
I live to see your smile when we are together all the time we are apart
I know you fill me – body, mind and soul
You make me whole
Am I just a wife – part of the marriage deal?
What about my dreams and needs?
They began to whither was I struggled to live the life based on your wants
I never thought I would have to fight for your attention and love
Maybe we took it for granted that love
I wanted to be one and know you body, mind and soul
In everything I said and did, no matter how foolish and misguided, that’s been my only goal
Every woman dreams of a family and children she creates with the one she loves
I thought that was your dream too
I was ready to and did do a lot to make our dream come true
Sadly you changed your dreams and I never knew
Just let me make plans – pipe dreams, castles in the air,
Disappointments, confusion and no one to share
Yet another dream to give up
When I returned from a short break I was hugged and kissed and felt I was missed
You wanted me!! I had struck gold again
The caring and sharing and the openness wiped out the pain
I was in love again, lost in the feeling of this newness again
The smile on my face refused to budge just as my libido
I wore my heart on my sleeve – to the world on show
It was life the first time, renewing our vows with our bodies and minds
A life I wished all would find.
The despair that is my life
What have a lacked as a wife?
Death would be welcome
If you do not come
I am so stupid I cannot even do something about that
Slicing the arteries on the wrist will stop the pain – that’s a fact
But the thought of causing you pain
I have nothing to gain
I asked time and again tell what you want
I will make my wants your want
But you are hard, will give me nothing to live on
Just ask me to live on
Slowly I began to accept my fate
The efforts to make a change were too late
I made a life lacking in hope
Lived every with death the only hope
To be free of this pain
To make matters worse I became ill
Every breath eventually became an act of will
I could not do for others as before
All my devotion of the past wiped out forever more
The betrayal is great was I ever more than a useful slave?
Why cannot anyone see my pain and put some love salve?
Give up hope give up feelings give up love
Forget that you ever were and free myself of love
Best live in the shadows, do what I am told
If I was to have my love – you - to hold
Diverted my passion to study
Forgetfulness that provided was heady
Going though the motions of living
Does not a life make.
Then you spoke to me again
Sharing and caring once again
I ask myself is this likely to remain?
I was to accept the care and love
My heart cautions can this be true
Dare I take up this roller coaster ride
You persuade me, take a leap of faith,
Game your heart for I am on your side
I will keep alive your faith
My heart flutters a first stirring of life in a long time
Will you remain true this time?
You talk of past and about moving on and I listen
Happy to have you back and I think you will also listen
Then you go and shoot my dreams down in flames
I do not know you are playing what games
You find her and I caution think about the motives
You write to her saying I just want to know she is fine
You say you are my life and wife but I want to have closure this time
Things are escalating out of hand
With my life still clutched in your hand
I care, I could have shared, but you never trusted me enough
Now I am bereft, I know not what to do
I know not what to say
Tears roll unbidden, dreams and heart in tatters once again
Stupid to feel so much so strongly about someone I do not know
But you know
I am terrified I am loosing you
You say you are aware that you are going through the infatuation stage now
But where am I now?
Where will I be soon?
I am not too proud to beg
Please give me back my life and love
I cannot share you now loose you
I cannot live without you
I can only say please oh please be MINE
I will stop being foolish, life with you is my only wish
You are my heart, my joy, just mine
I live to hear your voice every day we are apart
I live to see your smile when we are together all the time we are apart
I know you fill me – body, mind and soul
You make me whole
Am I just a wife – part of the marriage deal?
What about my dreams and needs?
They began to whither was I struggled to live the life based on your wants
I never thought I would have to fight for your attention and love
Maybe we took it for granted that love
I wanted to be one and know you body, mind and soul
In everything I said and did, no matter how foolish and misguided, that’s been my only goal
Every woman dreams of a family and children she creates with the one she loves
I thought that was your dream too
I was ready to and did do a lot to make our dream come true
Sadly you changed your dreams and I never knew
Just let me make plans – pipe dreams, castles in the air,
Disappointments, confusion and no one to share
Yet another dream to give up
When I returned from a short break I was hugged and kissed and felt I was missed
You wanted me!! I had struck gold again
The caring and sharing and the openness wiped out the pain
I was in love again, lost in the feeling of this newness again
The smile on my face refused to budge just as my libido
I wore my heart on my sleeve – to the world on show
It was life the first time, renewing our vows with our bodies and minds
A life I wished all would find.
The despair that is my life
What have a lacked as a wife?
Death would be welcome
If you do not come
I am so stupid I cannot even do something about that
Slicing the arteries on the wrist will stop the pain – that’s a fact
But the thought of causing you pain
I have nothing to gain
I asked time and again tell what you want
I will make my wants your want
But you are hard, will give me nothing to live on
Just ask me to live on
Slowly I began to accept my fate
The efforts to make a change were too late
I made a life lacking in hope
Lived every with death the only hope
To be free of this pain
To make matters worse I became ill
Every breath eventually became an act of will
I could not do for others as before
All my devotion of the past wiped out forever more
The betrayal is great was I ever more than a useful slave?
Why cannot anyone see my pain and put some love salve?
Give up hope give up feelings give up love
Forget that you ever were and free myself of love
Best live in the shadows, do what I am told
If I was to have my love – you - to hold
Diverted my passion to study
Forgetfulness that provided was heady
Going though the motions of living
Does not a life make.
Then you spoke to me again
Sharing and caring once again
I ask myself is this likely to remain?
I was to accept the care and love
My heart cautions can this be true
Dare I take up this roller coaster ride
You persuade me, take a leap of faith,
Game your heart for I am on your side
I will keep alive your faith
My heart flutters a first stirring of life in a long time
Will you remain true this time?
You talk of past and about moving on and I listen
Happy to have you back and I think you will also listen
Then you go and shoot my dreams down in flames
I do not know you are playing what games
You find her and I caution think about the motives
You write to her saying I just want to know she is fine
You say you are my life and wife but I want to have closure this time
Things are escalating out of hand
With my life still clutched in your hand
I care, I could have shared, but you never trusted me enough
Now I am bereft, I know not what to do
I know not what to say
Tears roll unbidden, dreams and heart in tatters once again
Stupid to feel so much so strongly about someone I do not know
But you know
I am terrified I am loosing you
You say you are aware that you are going through the infatuation stage now
But where am I now?
Where will I be soon?
I am not too proud to beg
Please give me back my life and love
I cannot share you now loose you
I cannot live without you
I can only say please oh please be MINE
I will stop being foolish, life with you is my only wish
On Mother's Day
Suddenly mother’s day is here
Everyone scrabbling to get a card,
And a present for someone so dear
But should this be only for the day
Mother protects and teaches
Mother cares and nurtures
Mother wipes away my tears
Mother kisses the hurt away
Mother encourages my abilities
Mother praises my achievements
Mother envelops my world with love
This she does every day and in every way
So why should mother’s day be only for a day
The love, care and respect for her
To be shown everyday
Ask those who do not have their mother
To care and cuddle, love and kiss the tears away
No one to soothe the pain of hurt
No one to murmur praise to keep you going
We all take mother and what she does for granted
Only when she is gone we realise she is always wanted
My mother is not there
She seems to have vanished
I shout as loud as I can for her
Tears streaming down my face
Looking here and there
I wake up from the nightmare
Its middle of the night
But I am eager to hear her voice
Reassure myself that she is there
To envelop my world with love
Thank god for everyday I have my mother
Not just on mother’s day
Everyone scrabbling to get a card,
And a present for someone so dear
But should this be only for the day
Mother protects and teaches
Mother cares and nurtures
Mother wipes away my tears
Mother kisses the hurt away
Mother encourages my abilities
Mother praises my achievements
Mother envelops my world with love
This she does every day and in every way
So why should mother’s day be only for a day
The love, care and respect for her
To be shown everyday
Ask those who do not have their mother
To care and cuddle, love and kiss the tears away
No one to soothe the pain of hurt
No one to murmur praise to keep you going
We all take mother and what she does for granted
Only when she is gone we realise she is always wanted
My mother is not there
She seems to have vanished
I shout as loud as I can for her
Tears streaming down my face
Looking here and there
I wake up from the nightmare
Its middle of the night
But I am eager to hear her voice
Reassure myself that she is there
To envelop my world with love
Thank god for everyday I have my mother
Not just on mother’s day
Preparing for Viva
Submitting the thesis was a very moving experience. Actually seeing the size of the hard copy had me stunned. I mean I am finding it hard to pick one copy and walk around! OK OK I know that is because I still have problems with my muscles but you know what I mean. Also never having handled such a big document as an e-copy I found that my editing was not as good as I had assumed it to be. So I got stuck right into editing on the hard copy. It was also an opportunity to read the complete thesis and re familiarise myself with all the important points.
Then I had my mock viva ...... while I do know my work inside out and the mock was being carried out by my supervisors it was still a daunting process. They were familiar with the research projects where i worked collaboratively to gather my data and so in my mind much more likely to find weaknesses. But then I do know that the examiners were most likely to find issues to clarify as they are not familiar with the projects. I also find that collaborative approach to PhD is not so common with the UK universities but much more common in Europe.
There are many advantages of carrying out collaborative research. It allowed me to work with an experienced research team on real projects. It gave me the confidence of working within the team while developing my research skills. The collaborative approach further allows for strengthening the findings of my research as they get incorporated into project reports and also publications related to the two different projects. This approach also makes it feasible to carry out those kinds of researches for a PhD which would otherwise not be possible to do due to reasons of financial and logistical implications. This approach allowed me to compare two very different synchronous online learning tools which are cutting edge software.
What came as a good surprise that when answering the questions in the viva I was to make extensive reference to my thesis. I was not expected to answer from memory. Rather my memory was more to ensure I got to the appropriate parts of the writing. This will mean the need to at least have a few tags for the key points so I can go right to the answers. That will be done with the second reading of the thesis. Then I think I will be as ready as I ever will be. I just hope there is not a lot of re writing suggested by the examiners. Most likely it would be with regards to clarity of linking the findings to examples and of explanations. Fingers crossed......... So another week to have butterflies and anxiety before the d-day...
Then I had my mock viva ...... while I do know my work inside out and the mock was being carried out by my supervisors it was still a daunting process. They were familiar with the research projects where i worked collaboratively to gather my data and so in my mind much more likely to find weaknesses. But then I do know that the examiners were most likely to find issues to clarify as they are not familiar with the projects. I also find that collaborative approach to PhD is not so common with the UK universities but much more common in Europe.
There are many advantages of carrying out collaborative research. It allowed me to work with an experienced research team on real projects. It gave me the confidence of working within the team while developing my research skills. The collaborative approach further allows for strengthening the findings of my research as they get incorporated into project reports and also publications related to the two different projects. This approach also makes it feasible to carry out those kinds of researches for a PhD which would otherwise not be possible to do due to reasons of financial and logistical implications. This approach allowed me to compare two very different synchronous online learning tools which are cutting edge software.
What came as a good surprise that when answering the questions in the viva I was to make extensive reference to my thesis. I was not expected to answer from memory. Rather my memory was more to ensure I got to the appropriate parts of the writing. This will mean the need to at least have a few tags for the key points so I can go right to the answers. That will be done with the second reading of the thesis. Then I think I will be as ready as I ever will be. I just hope there is not a lot of re writing suggested by the examiners. Most likely it would be with regards to clarity of linking the findings to examples and of explanations. Fingers crossed......... So another week to have butterflies and anxiety before the d-day...
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