Stand up for Yourself and Other Women

She did not consider herself to be conservative or even traditional in her views about gender roles. Even though she was well aware of patriarchal nature of society and its impact on how she was supposed to behave in life, these rules were not strictly applied to her by her parents. She was the only child and while there were restrictions as to what she wore – none of these short or tight clothes but jeans and trousers was allowed and no talking to boys was the major restriction. She could read what she wished and in fact was encouraged to read. Mysteries and spy thrillers were the favourite genres with some romance novels as a teenager. She was free to talk to her father about everything and indeed was known to argue passionately about things like friendships, relationships, topical issues, and aspects of culture and social norms. There was also occasional discussion on what the society expects from a woman and that it was not right that a woman was not equal to man. She felt strongly about the privileges that were given to boys starting childhood, from within the family. She had seen her friends being told to get up and give water to their brother or were allowed to eat first or given larger portions sweets. It is something so small but it sets the mindset that the boy is more important. This was all a norm in the extended family, with cousins, friends, community and society.

Most of her friends were going into arts and commerce subjects and few did science like her. Again there were very few girls who actually were looking for a career as there was an understanding that once the girl graduated she would get married and be a housewife. Times have changed and girls need to earn now so even after getting married many work because 2 salaries are needed to keep up with the consumerist lifestyle and inflation. Indeed a few of her friends had got married at 18 and she lost touch with them totally. Friendships among girls can be funny as when there is friendship then the girls will be the best support but if the other girl was seen as a rival for whatever reason then things could get bitchy and spiteful behaviour was pretty much what you could expect. Having reflected about it over the years she wondered if gender inequality taught from day one ensured girls were moulded into the role of housewife and therefore groomed in looks and skills that would attract a suitable mate. So any girl seen as arrival would bring out the competitive streak and the knives would come out in the form of belittling, bullying and gossip mongering. Maybe that is a simplistic view of entrenching further the patriarchal dominance. She was lucky that at the time she was growing up there was no social media as it has allowed the harassment to continue 24 /7.

She moved out of the house to hostel for her degree and learned to be independent. She even fell in love and her choice was accepted by her parents. So she always thought she was not like other girls and had a say in what she wanted in life and was on equal footing with her husband. Indeed they shared the money and responsibilities as all important issues were discussed. But one day a single sentence stopped her in the tracks and lead to intense self-exploration. It was a hot day and the evening was also fairly warm. She would manage during the day’s heat but bedtime was hard and a fan would be so good. She always asked her husband if they could have the fan on and it would be switched on if he said so. This day she said it was warm and should the fan be switched on? The next moment she stopped and said, ‘Why am I asking you? I should be able to switch on a fan without your permission!’

We have been so conditioned that the man is important in the relationship so how is that a partnership? Her husband was a kind caring man and helped in the housework. He also supported her choices in work and family issues. He never treated her as anything but equal but this question about using the fan and that question of hers stopped him short as well. For he had also never questioned as to why he could say yes or no and it would be so. This kind of revelation, particularly in the times where gender inequality especially regarding physical, psychological and sexual violence against women was being discussed in the society at large, came as an epiphany to her. She suddenly understood the deep seated unwritten gender rules and roles which were ingrained in the human consciousness.

She always felt that women should stand up for themselves and should be strong against bullying, bad behaviour or violence towards self and other women. She reflected on the times when her friends’ had confided in her regarding domestic violence and psychological abuse. One friend had told her that her husband was a difficult person to live with and relationships issues within the family at large meant there was a lot of dysfunctionality. If he was angry and frustrated with his parents or siblings, she would feel not only the sharp end of his tongue but also a few slaps. She was a happy-go-lucky soul and generally calm, maybe this is why she has lasted in the relationship. When she asked her friend why did she take this kind or treatment? Why had she not stood up and complained or tried to stop this violence? The friend said who was she going to tell? Her in-laws were aware of it all and while they did not instigate or participate in the violence they did nothing to intervene on her behalf.

Hearing this brought back old memories and she remembered someone similar from the past. Her family used to rent a flat and there was a family living in the flat below. The son used to fight often with his wife and his parents. The abusive behaviour escalated when she heard him slapping his wife and then a stick was used. The wife, a beautiful educated young lady could be heard whimpering and the mother in law could be heard trying to stop the son. Even then she remembered thinking why does the wife not snatch the stick and hit him right back. She so wanted to go down and tell the bully to stop his beating but she was an outsider who had glimpsed inadvertently into their private life. So many years later this incident came to mind again and she wished she had at least spoken to the poor wife and lent support but then while she had been old enough to recognise this behaviour was wrong but was too young to know how to tackle it. In fact when she told her mother about it she was told to mind her own business until help was asked. So now she thought, then she could not do anything but here and now her friend was telling her about what was happening and now she would be able to speak up for her friend. She said to her that she would stand by her and talk to her husband about putting an end to the domestic violence; reason with him about his behaviour and its impact on his family. However, her friend at once said no please, do not talk about it or the situation will get worse. She was only looking for a place to vent her feelings and not for a solution. This kind of situation has often been repeated with some of her other friends.

Another one also talked about domestic violence and that she would get slapped if the husband was angry about her behaviour or if she made a mistake. This friend also was not for wanting someone to stand up for and with her to end this violence. There was yet another friend who has a seemingly good relationship and happy marriage but one day inadvertently it slipped out that her husband thought she was not good enough for him and that in the past he had an affair. While he did not raise his hand he made it clear that she was not as pretty and sophisticated as his lady friend. This kind of psychological abuse especially when he actually made her help out his lady friend when she needed it is particularly hard to take.

Her epiphany of this deep seated gender views made her reflect on each of those incidents. It was not as if all those marriages were arranged, some were love based. So why did all feel unable to change their situation? All these women conditioned to being subservient to the husband did not feel they could raise their voice. Indeed if it were known outside of the marriage that this kind of abuse was going on it would be a loss of face. They felt it would somehow be their fault if their husbands were outed as abusers. It is strange as she knew all the men in these stories and they were kind caring and honourable men and it would be easy to disregard the accusations but she believed the women as they were her friends. No one really knows what happens in a marriage / relationship and so maybe these ladies did not think they would be believed. Maybe people would think they must be at fault as after all they knew the husbands to be good men. Can it be that the culture was - once you are married you should deal with your problems, telling your parents or siblings would only hurt and upset them? Surely they would be able to intervene? But she was aware that often the parents were not financially able to support the daughter if the relationship broke down completely. These ladies did not wish to become financial burdens. So yet another piece of the puzzle comes forward that most of these ladies are not financially independent even if they are earning. They have a household spending budget that is monthly and if there is anything they want for themselves they have to ask the husband for more money. Often they squirrel away little at a time from their monthly spending so spend for themselves. They are being mindful of being economical and not to demand for they are aware of the family’s finances. There is also the constant haranguing that corrodes away at the mental health of the woman. Similarly the thought of their children and their happiness / security stopped them from walking out. These are very real and complex reasons why these women, her friends, found it impossible to break out of their abusive relationships. So providing silent support was all she could do while urging them to speak up as it is never too late to end violence.

When so many women from all cultures, all walks of life and all ages are speaking about different forms of violence within the gender inequality forum and the patriarchal nature of society in general we should make a norm of believing woman who come forward. Women need to find the courage to speak up and take the support of their friends to better their life. Sounds trite when put like this but it is a big thing for most women to actually admit aloud their abuse. She hoped she had got better over the years to practice this mindfulness with her women friends. She was consciously going to pay attention to her behaviour so as not to unconsciously pass on the philosophy that women are subservient.