I was reflecting on life while waiting for my head to stop revolving or should I say stop the earth revolving around me. I was thinking how I have always behaved well and in accordance with the people and situations I find myself in. As a child my behaviour was strictly in accordance to the rules of my parents. They were fairly strict and so there was little room to be naughty. My foray into disobedience was limited to glowering behind my mother’s back! Also I used to love to read story books (I was an avid reader of fiction and still am) especially past the bed time with a torch under the covers. I was only ‘Me’ in my imaginary world, where I could go where and when I wanted. A major transgression was not sitting down to do my homework when told to. Life was pretty simple and rules were annoying but life went on. Little did I know that this compliance to what was expected would be the lesson that was most important in keeping others happy. My real problem was keeping a handle on my temper which was short and hot and unfortunately hard to not display.
Then I learnt o hold my temper as well and became a very outwardly compliant person. Being an army cadet teaches you that no one really gives a damn about your temper or your feeling even for that matter. Again the behaviour that was acceptable to others, even pleasing them was reinforced. My needs or wants were secondary to what others perceived. While I have always believed that one should not be bothered about what others think, I was indoctrinated by the society to do what others dictated. Again I seem to have escaped into my fantasy world when I wanted to be ‘Me’. Spending time by myself, listening to music or reading were the avenues to being myself and work out coping strategies as I did not wish to displease parents, family, friends, teachers, patients, and so on and so on. To some extent this compliant behaviour also taught me patience and a much more even temper as this is extremely important in the work environment and a caring profession.
But where is the outlet to be ‘me’? When can I not have to hang on to my temper or be naughty, giggle and have fun? However this demeanour was very useful when I moved countries. Learning to live and work in a different country is generally very stressful and having learnt to use a cool head and logic helped me to cope well. I also chose to work in a very fast paced and stressful environment of operating theatres and in particular cardio thoracic surgery. There is no room for a flighty, ditzy or frivolous person in this environment. I then moved to teaching and moved even further away into being a serious individual. The fun loving and comic in me only came out to ‘play’ during holidays. I began to take on responsibility for others such as my family and feeling I had to be there for all and help them solve their problems. SO where was the ‘me’? Did I change so much?
When the social networking began on the internet I managed to find old friends from college and school and the comments they made stopped me short. They all remembered me as fun loving and jovial and cheeky girl who laughed a lot. They were surprised to see how serious I had become. The change to this person who took everything very seriously had been slow but total. During this time I had got married and got a whole new family to whom I had to adjust and were yet more people I have to work to please. Going to a new family and learning to be a part of it is also about tailoring behaviour to others. I got on famously with my father in law as I think he had a fun loving and naughty side and so encouraged me to be myself with him. My husband has always encouraged me to have fun and be myself but there is still an expectation that I will be ‘sensible’ and do the chores and say the right thing and do the right things. But if I am to be myself I am bound to occasionally lapse from this good behaviour. The only personal indulgence in the last two decades have been that of losing my temper occasionally when at home and generally only in front of my husband. Then I got ill and developed a chronic illness which only has symptomatic treatment. This has also had an impact on my emotional wellbeing. The pain and immobility along with stress from family issues led me down the depression path and I spent most days bursting into tears and being miserable. As the symptoms were slowly brought to some semblance of tolerance I started having time and energy to reflect on who I am and what does being ‘me’ mean.
I have had to rebuild my confidence in dealing with everyone. This recovery started with having to confront my doctors and ask for information to make choices with regards to the treatments. Then we moved countries to start afresh in a warmer climate and slower pace of life. While I dealt with my visa issues and managed slowly de-cluttering the home for the move most of the other things that needed to be done were carried out by my husband. I had begun to get stronger and was physically more capable of doing light chores by the time we moved. Now at least the old ladies with zimmer frame did not overtake me and disappear into the horizon. I could manage to stir my cooking pot without my wrist hurting for the rest of the week. I began to talk to more people specially friends and family over the internet and re-establishing old relationship. I guess I was making peace with people I cared about and started reminiscing about the fun times and recapturing my lighter side.
I am certainly better than I was. I have starting enjoying life and revelling in what I can do rather than despairing over what I cannot. I have now stopped working and started spending time on finding myself and indulging myself in pursuits of creative activities. The need for a sense of humour is vital when one is chronically ill. Still have to work on dealing with strangers and tradespeople. I have been told I do not need to give them explanations and have to get work done with minimal discussion. I tend to have these long conversations and the innate sense of giving explanations is to be blamed for this. But then I think that is me… I do want people to understand what I am on about. I have asked my husband to let me know what is expected from me. This is was very helpful when I was recovering both my physical and emotional health. But I think what has happened over this time the readjusting to differing roles has caused some level of insecurity maybe in both of us.
But there is light at the end of the tunnel as I think I am on the mend for recently I have started saying I want to be me and I do not wish to be told what to do and how to behave. This is after a long time of seeking guidance about how to react. I want to be the ‘me’ I used to be. I know I cannot go back to the exact state but I can certainly temper my seriousness with a big injection of fun and laughter. I am well on the way as I have been called the resident comedienne of my facebook group for UCTD. From being a nurse and one who was always on the ball needed all the information and knowledge re any disease I have gone to wanting only the broad information about my own illness. I can live happily without knowing every little detail and wanting to discuss every minor symptoms and all I want to do is talk less about my health. This with the family and friends is a little hard as if you say you are ok they assume that you are healthy where as I mean I can tolerate and cope today with my issues. If I enumerate all the day’s symptoms I sound like a whingey person which I am not.
So to put it into perspective, I have moved on the illness – wellness continuum from the princess who found the pea under the 20 mattresses painful and inability to hold my own head up with muscle wasting and excruciating pain to one who can walk a mile, and cook at least once a day. The major highlight of my recovery was being able to sweep my home! Stirring the cooking pot was no longer akin to sawing your hands off. Seeing humour through the haze of pain has allowed me to cope and to bring back that childlike enthusiasm and fun for life. Slowly but surely I am allowing myself to be ‘Me’.
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