Monday 29 January 2018

40 Years

My father met his friend after 40 years
Oh the joy he felt when they recalled their college years
I teased them about their constant – Oh My God! After 40 years!
They said your generation might not remember anyone after 40 years

Now it’s ironic that I have found a number of old friends, you guessed it – after 40 years
The joy of finding them took me right back 40 years
So much change has happened in 40 years
But still a lot is same and easily recognised even after 40 years

Exchanging life stories covering 40 years
Rejoicing for the good times in the 40 years
Commiserating over the losses over the 40 years

Hope we keep in touch instead of waiting for another 40 years!

Monday 22 January 2018

Is this Love?

She saw him first on a date
First one she had liked of late
Charming and handsome he was, she thought
Would this be love she thought?

Breath caught in the throat as eyes met
Even the heart missed a beat as eyes met
A twinkle in his eyes and smile adorned his lips
Could this be love she quips?

Eagerly waiting for the call at 6 o’clock
The sound his voice so pleasing as we talk
Wanting to spend time is all she thought
Is this love she thought?

The first holding of hands
Walking across the sands
The first kiss sent the heart into a flutter
Me thinks this is love she heard him mutter

Talking about plans for their life
All the sweet nothings with nary a strife
And he asked shall we wed?
Yes this is love she said


Awakening Emotions

She saw him across the road and liked the look
Can this be like a romance from a book?
The way of life was such that it was not possible to talk
So much for romance if you cannot talk
Heart felt a little flutter, is this love?

Often contrived for my path to pass him by
Peeping from under the lashes, still too shy
Time spent dreaming
Wonderful stories weaving
Heart is still a flutter, is this love?

This first flash to passion
Is very hard to ration
His thoughts sent her pulse faster
Face blushing and breathe faster
Heart is still a flutter, is this love?

But the time passed, oh so slow
Him looking at another was a low blow
A sharp pain in her heart
As if it would break apart

It is not meant to be, this love?

Friday 19 January 2018

Perception and Reality

Perceptions make up our reality. I often get reminded of this and much more so in recent years. As we get older and reflect on the past we take out the precious memories of people and incidents and marvel at the good times and relationships. Wonder where the people have inevitably disappeared to? I was in a different college to majority of my class mates and also this was the time when mode of communication was either telephone or visiting friends. Also over the years one remembers people who one thought were her friends where as others are names form the past and faces in photographs. It felt strange that almost all just disappeared into the mists of time. Old photographs might bring up snatches of memories.

From the years of my undergraduate programme I felt it would be considerably different as we lived together for 4 years and different depth and levels of relationships were developed. However the principles of relationships were the same more or less. We are close to some people and not with others; tolerant of some and indifferent to others; a mixed bag for sure. Again when the degree finished and I did not go into service like the rest of my batch suddenly they were all left behind. I had a limited contact with one of them only through mail. After I left the country it became impossible to even try to find anyone. Thus the social media came as a good aid in finding lost friends, fellow students and colleagues.

So back to the issue of perception dictates reality. First surprise was when I met again a person I used to work with. Well I think I use the term work with loosely here as we were in different faculties and paths crossed now and again. I had always felt that this person did not like me and was generally short with me. We rarely had any conversation but work. I firmly believed that we did not really like each other and really only tolerated each other. Then after nearly a decade I got a call saying she was coming over and would like to meet up if possible. I was happy to meet her and spend some time showing her around. This call worked some magic maybe or maybe we both had changed in the time gone by. I have not spent another reunion that gave me such pleasure and anew friend for life……. As I said maybe we both had mellowed and with work no longer a buffer between us we actually talked about other things and have actually become close friends.

My best friend from university had been an on and off presence in my life but once she retired she was more accessible. Indeed when I went back for holiday we managed to spend time together and talked about old days. Then through Facebook more batch mates were unearthed. Keeping an old photo as profile picture along with maiden name as part of the identity has helped considerably in this gathering of bygone friends. Some told me they were surprised to find that I was a serious individual as they remembered me as a clown; always laughing. I was also surprised to find so many who said they had been wondering what happened to me and that they considered me to be a friend. One told me was not surprised that I did write blog and also had been published as remembers asking for my notes and assignments to help her work. Now I do not remember this at all. One batch mate I distinctly remember I used to nag and chivvy her along as she was quiet and did not even stand up for herself. She remembers me fondly and actually confessed that she was not able to speak English well and hence she kept quiet. I said I wished you had told me then and maybe I would have been more helpful.

The ones who talk to me regularly now and count me as a close friend are again another surprise as even they agree that we were not particularly close in the past. Maybe I have more time and patience then I had in the past. I am willing to let the other person dictate the pace of relationship and no longer feel upset at some imagined slight. I also listen to people’s plight and allow them to vent as well as share their joy and applaud their achievements. I have learnt from my own life that we do not praise people or give positive feedback. This does not mean indiscriminately praising like parents do with kids now days. I am happy to be a part of their lives in as much as they want to include and so I guess perceptions tend to blend a little more now.

Aside from Facebook I also use WhatsApp – when my last phone died I had no choice but to get a new one and gave in to having an android and with it came WhatsApp. It was helpful for keeping in touch with those who were not used Facebook and not internet savvy. Suddenly it seemed all have WhatsApp. Facebook had found me a friend of two from my school days but most were lost and I could not find then as being married they had all changed their names.

Then one day I had a message from one schoolmate asking if I remembered her and her sister. Of course I did and arranged to talk to them the next day. I find it pretty easy to talk to people and so we were soon catching up with our lives. They seemed have kept in touch with most of the school crowd. I guess since they all went to the same college they had time to strengthen their relationships after school. So suddenly there were more people to contact and catch up on. I thought all were eager to find people from the past and catch up….. friend or not. For the first time I had someone say refresh my memory….however it was good of you to get in touch. I said I was from the same batch in school and its OK if she does not remember or if she did not wish to connect. For once my perception of the past was correct as I knew this person rarely spoke to me, probably had not even been aware of my existence. Then I found a couple of people who I had considered my friends and again very different reception. The perception of this friendship apparently was only in my head with at least one of them who never the less was pleased to get in touch. Her memory was that I used to be a quiet person. I agreed that on recent reflections I had indeed been a follower and not the leader.

Somewhere in the 6 months gap between school and Intermediate College I had changed it seemed. In my mind there was no dramatic transition but others perception deems it so. Unthinkingly we speak the words that can cheer another or hurt another. On discussion about various classmates I offered the contacts of ones I had and was taken aback by ‘I was closer to that person than you’. While I know and firmly believe the same as I had always felt at the periphery of the in group of girls but it was confronting to hear that. Why should it be so? Here was a matching of perceptions and realities and on reflection it was truth and so why feel upset? Another friend was pleased with contact and did not profess to have missed me or was looking for me. She was just matter of fact and would speak when her schedule permitted. By now this did not surprise me guess my perceptions were now reconciled to the reality of other people. It is interesting to see there is little curiosity about the lives of people who have been considered unimportant. I, however, am interested in all.  One actually expressed the joy and said she had been looking for me so I am looking forward to a good conversation and catching up there.


What a stark contrast with people more people from my college remember me than those from my school. I enjoy making contact and happy to see what everyone has achieved. Perceptions and differing reality leave some people hurt and others oblivious to have giving offence; some people with fond memories of friendship and others with lack of even awareness of them. Yes we cannot get along with everyone but we can be polite when we meet; pleasant in our demeanour; interested in their conversation and be kind. Above all be kind as that’s what is important and what is lacking in the present day. Maybe that is what I have learnt in my life – it costs little to be caring and compassionate and to show empathy and sympathy. There is little room for causing and taking offence. This approach changes my perception of people and situations and so reality is more likely to take into account of what actually is happening. 

Thursday 4 January 2018

Stand up for Yourself and Other Women

She did not consider herself to be conservative or even traditional in her views about gender roles. Even though she was well aware of patriarchal nature of society and its impact on how she was supposed to behave in life, these rules were not strictly applied to her by her parents. She was the only child and while there were restrictions as to what she wore – none of these short or tight clothes but jeans and trousers was allowed and no talking to boys was the major restriction. She could read what she wished and in fact was encouraged to read. Mysteries and spy thrillers were the favourite genres with some romance novels as a teenager. She was free to talk to her father about everything and indeed was known to argue passionately about things like friendships, relationships, topical issues, and aspects of culture and social norms. There was also occasional discussion on what the society expects from a woman and that it was not right that a woman was not equal to man. She felt strongly about the privileges that were given to boys starting childhood, from within the family. She had seen her friends being told to get up and give water to their brother or were allowed to eat first or given larger portions sweets. It is something so small but it sets the mindset that the boy is more important. This was all a norm in the extended family, with cousins, friends, community and society.

Most of her friends were going into arts and commerce subjects and few did science like her. Again there were very few girls who actually were looking for a career as there was an understanding that once the girl graduated she would get married and be a housewife. Times have changed and girls need to earn now so even after getting married many work because 2 salaries are needed to keep up with the consumerist lifestyle and inflation. Indeed a few of her friends had got married at 18 and she lost touch with them totally. Friendships among girls can be funny as when there is friendship then the girls will be the best support but if the other girl was seen as a rival for whatever reason then things could get bitchy and spiteful behaviour was pretty much what you could expect. Having reflected about it over the years she wondered if gender inequality taught from day one ensured girls were moulded into the role of housewife and therefore groomed in looks and skills that would attract a suitable mate. So any girl seen as arrival would bring out the competitive streak and the knives would come out in the form of belittling, bullying and gossip mongering. Maybe that is a simplistic view of entrenching further the patriarchal dominance. She was lucky that at the time she was growing up there was no social media as it has allowed the harassment to continue 24 /7.

She moved out of the house to hostel for her degree and learned to be independent. She even fell in love and her choice was accepted by her parents. So she always thought she was not like other girls and had a say in what she wanted in life and was on equal footing with her husband. Indeed they shared the money and responsibilities as all important issues were discussed. But one day a single sentence stopped her in the tracks and lead to intense self-exploration. It was a hot day and the evening was also fairly warm. She would manage during the day’s heat but bedtime was hard and a fan would be so good. She always asked her husband if they could have the fan on and it would be switched on if he said so. This day she said it was warm and should the fan be switched on? The next moment she stopped and said, ‘Why am I asking you? I should be able to switch on a fan without your permission!’

We have been so conditioned that the man is important in the relationship so how is that a partnership? Her husband was a kind caring man and helped in the housework. He also supported her choices in work and family issues. He never treated her as anything but equal but this question about using the fan and that question of hers stopped him short as well. For he had also never questioned as to why he could say yes or no and it would be so. This kind of revelation, particularly in the times where gender inequality especially regarding physical, psychological and sexual violence against women was being discussed in the society at large, came as an epiphany to her. She suddenly understood the deep seated unwritten gender rules and roles which were ingrained in the human consciousness.

She always felt that women should stand up for themselves and should be strong against bullying, bad behaviour or violence towards self and other women. She reflected on the times when her friends’ had confided in her regarding domestic violence and psychological abuse. One friend had told her that her husband was a difficult person to live with and relationships issues within the family at large meant there was a lot of dysfunctionality. If he was angry and frustrated with his parents or siblings, she would feel not only the sharp end of his tongue but also a few slaps. She was a happy-go-lucky soul and generally calm, maybe this is why she has lasted in the relationship. When she asked her friend why did she take this kind or treatment? Why had she not stood up and complained or tried to stop this violence? The friend said who was she going to tell? Her in-laws were aware of it all and while they did not instigate or participate in the violence they did nothing to intervene on her behalf.

Hearing this brought back old memories and she remembered someone similar from the past. Her family used to rent a flat and there was a family living in the flat below. The son used to fight often with his wife and his parents. The abusive behaviour escalated when she heard him slapping his wife and then a stick was used. The wife, a beautiful educated young lady could be heard whimpering and the mother in law could be heard trying to stop the son. Even then she remembered thinking why does the wife not snatch the stick and hit him right back. She so wanted to go down and tell the bully to stop his beating but she was an outsider who had glimpsed inadvertently into their private life. So many years later this incident came to mind again and she wished she had at least spoken to the poor wife and lent support but then while she had been old enough to recognise this behaviour was wrong but was too young to know how to tackle it. In fact when she told her mother about it she was told to mind her own business until help was asked. So now she thought, then she could not do anything but here and now her friend was telling her about what was happening and now she would be able to speak up for her friend. She said to her that she would stand by her and talk to her husband about putting an end to the domestic violence; reason with him about his behaviour and its impact on his family. However, her friend at once said no please, do not talk about it or the situation will get worse. She was only looking for a place to vent her feelings and not for a solution. This kind of situation has often been repeated with some of her other friends.

Another one also talked about domestic violence and that she would get slapped if the husband was angry about her behaviour or if she made a mistake. This friend also was not for wanting someone to stand up for and with her to end this violence. There was yet another friend who has a seemingly good relationship and happy marriage but one day inadvertently it slipped out that her husband thought she was not good enough for him and that in the past he had an affair. While he did not raise his hand he made it clear that she was not as pretty and sophisticated as his lady friend. This kind of psychological abuse especially when he actually made her help out his lady friend when she needed it is particularly hard to take.

Her epiphany of this deep seated gender views made her reflect on each of those incidents. It was not as if all those marriages were arranged, some were love based. So why did all feel unable to change their situation? All these women conditioned to being subservient to the husband did not feel they could raise their voice. Indeed if it were known outside of the marriage that this kind of abuse was going on it would be a loss of face. They felt it would somehow be their fault if their husbands were outed as abusers. It is strange as she knew all the men in these stories and they were kind caring and honourable men and it would be easy to disregard the accusations but she believed the women as they were her friends. No one really knows what happens in a marriage / relationship and so maybe these ladies did not think they would be believed. Maybe people would think they must be at fault as after all they knew the husbands to be good men. Can it be that the culture was - once you are married you should deal with your problems, telling your parents or siblings would only hurt and upset them? Surely they would be able to intervene? But she was aware that often the parents were not financially able to support the daughter if the relationship broke down completely. These ladies did not wish to become financial burdens. So yet another piece of the puzzle comes forward that most of these ladies are not financially independent even if they are earning. They have a household spending budget that is monthly and if there is anything they want for themselves they have to ask the husband for more money. Often they squirrel away little at a time from their monthly spending so spend for themselves. They are being mindful of being economical and not to demand for they are aware of the family’s finances. There is also the constant haranguing that corrodes away at the mental health of the woman. Similarly the thought of their children and their happiness / security stopped them from walking out. These are very real and complex reasons why these women, her friends, found it impossible to break out of their abusive relationships. So providing silent support was all she could do while urging them to speak up as it is never too late to end violence.

When so many women from all cultures, all walks of life and all ages are speaking about different forms of violence within the gender inequality forum and the patriarchal nature of society in general we should make a norm of believing woman who come forward. Women need to find the courage to speak up and take the support of their friends to better their life. Sounds trite when put like this but it is a big thing for most women to actually admit aloud their abuse. She hoped she had got better over the years to practice this mindfulness with her women friends. She was consciously going to pay attention to her behaviour so as not to unconsciously pass on the philosophy that women are subservient.