Perception and Reality

Perceptions make up our reality. I often get reminded of this and much more so in recent years. As we get older and reflect on the past we take out the precious memories of people and incidents and marvel at the good times and relationships. Wonder where the people have inevitably disappeared to? I was in a different college to majority of my class mates and also this was the time when mode of communication was either telephone or visiting friends. Also over the years one remembers people who one thought were her friends where as others are names form the past and faces in photographs. It felt strange that almost all just disappeared into the mists of time. Old photographs might bring up snatches of memories.

From the years of my undergraduate programme I felt it would be considerably different as we lived together for 4 years and different depth and levels of relationships were developed. However the principles of relationships were the same more or less. We are close to some people and not with others; tolerant of some and indifferent to others; a mixed bag for sure. Again when the degree finished and I did not go into service like the rest of my batch suddenly they were all left behind. I had a limited contact with one of them only through mail. After I left the country it became impossible to even try to find anyone. Thus the social media came as a good aid in finding lost friends, fellow students and colleagues.

So back to the issue of perception dictates reality. First surprise was when I met again a person I used to work with. Well I think I use the term work with loosely here as we were in different faculties and paths crossed now and again. I had always felt that this person did not like me and was generally short with me. We rarely had any conversation but work. I firmly believed that we did not really like each other and really only tolerated each other. Then after nearly a decade I got a call saying she was coming over and would like to meet up if possible. I was happy to meet her and spend some time showing her around. This call worked some magic maybe or maybe we both had changed in the time gone by. I have not spent another reunion that gave me such pleasure and anew friend for life……. As I said maybe we both had mellowed and with work no longer a buffer between us we actually talked about other things and have actually become close friends.

My best friend from university had been an on and off presence in my life but once she retired she was more accessible. Indeed when I went back for holiday we managed to spend time together and talked about old days. Then through Facebook more batch mates were unearthed. Keeping an old photo as profile picture along with maiden name as part of the identity has helped considerably in this gathering of bygone friends. Some told me they were surprised to find that I was a serious individual as they remembered me as a clown; always laughing. I was also surprised to find so many who said they had been wondering what happened to me and that they considered me to be a friend. One told me was not surprised that I did write blog and also had been published as remembers asking for my notes and assignments to help her work. Now I do not remember this at all. One batch mate I distinctly remember I used to nag and chivvy her along as she was quiet and did not even stand up for herself. She remembers me fondly and actually confessed that she was not able to speak English well and hence she kept quiet. I said I wished you had told me then and maybe I would have been more helpful.

The ones who talk to me regularly now and count me as a close friend are again another surprise as even they agree that we were not particularly close in the past. Maybe I have more time and patience then I had in the past. I am willing to let the other person dictate the pace of relationship and no longer feel upset at some imagined slight. I also listen to people’s plight and allow them to vent as well as share their joy and applaud their achievements. I have learnt from my own life that we do not praise people or give positive feedback. This does not mean indiscriminately praising like parents do with kids now days. I am happy to be a part of their lives in as much as they want to include and so I guess perceptions tend to blend a little more now.

Aside from Facebook I also use WhatsApp – when my last phone died I had no choice but to get a new one and gave in to having an android and with it came WhatsApp. It was helpful for keeping in touch with those who were not used Facebook and not internet savvy. Suddenly it seemed all have WhatsApp. Facebook had found me a friend of two from my school days but most were lost and I could not find then as being married they had all changed their names.

Then one day I had a message from one schoolmate asking if I remembered her and her sister. Of course I did and arranged to talk to them the next day. I find it pretty easy to talk to people and so we were soon catching up with our lives. They seemed have kept in touch with most of the school crowd. I guess since they all went to the same college they had time to strengthen their relationships after school. So suddenly there were more people to contact and catch up on. I thought all were eager to find people from the past and catch up….. friend or not. For the first time I had someone say refresh my memory….however it was good of you to get in touch. I said I was from the same batch in school and its OK if she does not remember or if she did not wish to connect. For once my perception of the past was correct as I knew this person rarely spoke to me, probably had not even been aware of my existence. Then I found a couple of people who I had considered my friends and again very different reception. The perception of this friendship apparently was only in my head with at least one of them who never the less was pleased to get in touch. Her memory was that I used to be a quiet person. I agreed that on recent reflections I had indeed been a follower and not the leader.

Somewhere in the 6 months gap between school and Intermediate College I had changed it seemed. In my mind there was no dramatic transition but others perception deems it so. Unthinkingly we speak the words that can cheer another or hurt another. On discussion about various classmates I offered the contacts of ones I had and was taken aback by ‘I was closer to that person than you’. While I know and firmly believe the same as I had always felt at the periphery of the in group of girls but it was confronting to hear that. Why should it be so? Here was a matching of perceptions and realities and on reflection it was truth and so why feel upset? Another friend was pleased with contact and did not profess to have missed me or was looking for me. She was just matter of fact and would speak when her schedule permitted. By now this did not surprise me guess my perceptions were now reconciled to the reality of other people. It is interesting to see there is little curiosity about the lives of people who have been considered unimportant. I, however, am interested in all.  One actually expressed the joy and said she had been looking for me so I am looking forward to a good conversation and catching up there.

What a stark contrast with people more people from my college remember me than those from my school. I enjoy making contact and happy to see what everyone has achieved. Perceptions and differing reality leave some people hurt and others oblivious to have giving offence; some people with fond memories of friendship and others with lack of even awareness of them. Yes we cannot get along with everyone but we can be polite when we meet; pleasant in our demeanour; interested in their conversation and be kind. Above all be kind as that’s what is important and what is lacking in the present day. Maybe that is what I have learnt in my life – it costs little to be caring and compassionate and to show empathy and sympathy. There is little room for causing and taking offence. This approach changes my perception of people and situations and so reality is more likely to take into account of what actually is happening.