Is this Love?

She saw him first on a date

First one she had liked of late

Charming and handsome he was, she thought

Would this be love she thought?

Breath caught in the throat as eyes met

Even the heart missed a beat as eyes met

A twinkle in his eyes and smile adorned his lips

Could this be love she quips?

Eagerly waiting for the call at 6 o’clock

The sound his voice so pleasing as we talk

Wanting to spend time is all she thought

Is this love she thought?

The first holding of hands

Walking across the sands

The first kiss sent the heart into a flutter

Me thinks this is love she heard him mutter

Talking about plans for their life

All the sweet nothings with nary a strife

And he asked shall we wed?

Yes this is love she said

Awakening Emotions

She saw him across the road and liked the look

Can this be like a romance from a book?

The way of life was such that it was not possible to talk

So much for romance if you cannot talk

Heart felt a little flutter, is this love?

Often contrived for my path to pass him by

Peeping from under the lashes, still too shy

Time spent dreaming

Wonderful stories weaving

Heart is still a flutter, is this love?

This first flash to passion

Is very hard to ration

His thoughts sent her pulse faster

Face blushing and breathe faster

Heart is still a flutter, is this love?

But the time passed, oh so slow

Him looking at another was a low blow

A sharp pain in her heart

As if it would break apart

It is not meant to be, this love?

The Play of Dark and Light

The soul is sad

Making me mad

Why do the dark clouds cover the light?

Making me lose sight

The priorities get jumbled

Like jigsaw pieces jumbled

Anxiety spreads

Anger spreads

Like waves from me

Like ripples of a pond leaving me

Let them spread so they leave

Hoping they miss others as they leave

Slowly the waters become calm

Ripples of the mind start to calm

The sun comes out from behind the clouds

The light comes piercing through the clouds

The black dog of darkness runs away

Pushing dark thoughts away

The heart feels gladdened

The soul uplifted

I smile again

Ready to spread joy again!

The Move - 16th Jan 2011

Sunday here at last….. last day in UK. Sarita came to help throw away last of the things like mattress cover, couple of pans, the little tv etc. Also made a couple of black bags full of things she was to take away with her. We went to the Airfield for lunch as it is just at the end of the road. After a nice leisurely lunch and got back home to make a couple more calls to my friends and family. Got Aaron to take away yet more things like last bits of food, a plant pot, a duvet, a freeview box etc. We got the bags finally packed and we were ready to go to the airport at 5 30 pm. We picked Aaron up and dropped of the last bag of goodies at the Joneses. It was dark and wet..typical of British weather. However, the traffic was not bad and we got to the airport in record time. Said goodbyes to my baby and hoped to see her on skype during the week. I am not so sad as I know we can see and speak to each other often and when we have settled down she wishes to come out to Oz.

Off we went and handed the luggage which was quick as we had already checked in online. We went through the security and sat inside for a bit before going for dinner in the restaurant. It was time for the gate to be announced as we finished our meal….. a 10 min walk to the gate and we were ready to leave one life behind for a new one.

Smile

Smile is such a beautiful thing

It makes you happy and want to sing

It cheers the one who gives

And also the one who receives

Thus blessing all

A glimpse of one can show understanding

It can express pleasure

Recognition of something funny

Blowing away the cobwebs of sadness

Making eyes light up

The corners of the mouth turn up

A smile is innocent

A smile is shy

A smile can be flirty

Smile can be coquettish

A smile is happiness

A well recognised expression of joy

One can face the day with a smile or a frown

Starting day with smile makes it go smoother

A frown just makes you down

It is very contagious at best

And spreads rapidly from one to the next

At the least it forms a small bond between humans

Moment of Joy

On the way to work on a Friday morning

Tired and stressed after a busy long week

Eyes feel gritty from lack of sleep

Need to concentrate on the driving

The mist is curling along the tree tops

And along the ground over the fields

Looking eerie in the dim light of dawn

As dawn brightens the sky mirrors

The wispy mist with small fluffy clouds

Then the first tinge of pink is on the horizon

The intense pink spreads across the sky

Like a blush across a cheek

Fading to pale yellow as it spreads

The fields on either side f the road

The grass covered in mild frost

The road curves past the next field

There in the curling mist a family of deer

Gracefully moving along the field

Almost like a silhouette

Against the slowly brightening sky

A beautiful picture perfect moment

A smiles comes to my face

Friday is not so bad after all

Stop being a Victim!

Most of my friends and family know by now about my viva experience. It was hard to accept the fact that I am a victim of bullying and discrimination. I have been in the UK for 25 years and have been teaching for 20 plus years of which 17 have been as a senior lecturer in health and social care. This vast experience of inter-professional education from access to masters level was suddenly for nothing. My examiners took away all my confidence and self-esteem with a few chosen sentences. They breached every principle of teaching and assessment by not providing even one positive comment during the viva.

Whats is bullying? Normally I do not like to use Wikipedia for information but in this case it is easier and identified the central issues. I have not been spoken to like this is many many years. I felt suddenly not the responsible and in control adult but a worthless waste of space as I did not meet the expectations of the examiners. This verbal destruction of a person is as bad if not worse that physical bullying as it raises stress level, makes people physically ill and leaves the depressed and on occasion feeling suicidal. I forgot that I was a victim and that it was not my fault or responsibility how my tormentors behaved. I took on all the accusation to the true.

Why did this happen? I am a fairly assertive person but prefer to avoid conflict and give people chance to change their approach. I think this makes people think I do not say anything because I cannot say anything. The keeping quiet in the first place is seen as a sign of weakness and to be exploited. Normally, if the behavior of the other person does not change I do make a point of being assertive and discuss the issue with the individual. I learned a long time ago (when I was studying in the army)that angry outburst does not serve any useful purpose. That's why I give people 3 chances to make a change by hinting at the issue and also by role modeling the acceptable behavior. This motto has served me well in the last 2 decades. I had got used to being taken seriously in personal as well as professional life, in both nursing and education professions. That is why this experience was an unexpected shock and I was not prepared to be assertive on the spot.

It took me a whole week to calm down and stop crying. It was another week before I could articulate my feelings of pain, shame, worthlessness and eventually anger. It was the loving support of my husband, family and friends that made me see that I was a victim of bullying. All the comments made by the examiners were not true. I have been successfully carrying out my professional duties and responsibilities for many years. I have students who after nearly 2 decades tell me how they have valued my input in their careers. All of them cannot be wrong and just 2 people who have not idea about who I am cannot be right.

Assessment is a process of learning. I have assessed students both on paper and in vivas and have had to fail them on occasion. But I have never destroyed a student. They always felt supported with clear constructive feedback and went away knowing what issues needed to be improved and why. My viva has left me confused and disheartened as a month later and I still do not know what was wrong! On reflection I feel that they did not believe any work in the thesis was my own. They were questioning me on basic information like who is the key person in relation to the concept of community of learners! If the whole work was through a collaborative approach how far does one specify exactly what you did and exactly what each person of the research team did! Viva is supposed to be for defending your research findings but I do not feel I was allowed to defend anything. I was not allowed to complete my answers or show where the issues in question were within the thesis. From the verbal onslaught I gathered that while methodology, the process and presentation of the work was not wrong they just did not believe it was my words, since large parts were within the project reports. Well they would be as I wrote the reports! But this brought a response that I was copying from myself and should be using quotations... wonder if the quotation can cover most of the chapter? And also to be told that my English was not good just floored me totally. I do not think I was able to form a coherent sentence by this time.

Did my supervisor sense that something was wrong? I am not sure since he did not delve into my comments about what happened but went into defensive that the responsibility of the 'poor' work was all mine! Sadly he did not see that the comments made were not just insulting and bullying towards me but also towards the quality of supervision he had provided. Eventually I wrote a mail to the VC and deputy VC and Head of School complaining about this soul destroying viva experience. But of course the investigation cannot be carried out until there is a formal complaint or appeal against the result. I asked for advice from the student's union. While they made all the right supportive noises, this is between term time and so mails goign back and forth slowly. Why they cannot use the phone is beyond me. But I shall persevere as I want to make sure no one else has to suffer this kind of an ordeal.

Stop being a victim! I tell myself this when ever the memories come flooding in and nearly overwhelm me again. I am worth something and have value int this world. How can people have such massive egos where they feel they are the last word in the universe. In the grand scheme of things they also r on the same par with everyone else. What they do is not any more important that what I or others do. I remind myself that when in the one room if one of them passed out I would have been the most important person as I would be able to give first aid! How does doing some work in e-learning make you so important? I was doing the research for pleasure of learnign and giving back to my colleagues something that would help them as a lot of what i know had come from trial and error. Hopefully my work will shorten their learning curve. I do not want to use this qualification for moving up some career ladder as I am happy facilitating learning.

Now I am having to rebuild my confidence and self-esteem. I have to remind myself of the skills I have and the feedback I have from colleagues and students of the years in the form of appreciative comments. Am I going to complete the rewriting of the thesis? I hope so but the pleasure of learning has been sadly destroyed by the 'teachers' who carried out the viva. I am trying to also recover from the stress induced relapse of my illness. The pain levels have to be controlled with more medication. Maybe I will start by completing the drafts of papers for publications that I was doing. Concentrate on other things in life like sorting out my home and clearing the junk. It also is I feel a time for change. I also am not sure I want to be thought of as a peer with the people who behaved in such a bad manner. So I will wait a bit longer and slowly get back into the studying. I will and can make a difference. I will hold my head up and fight for my right as a human being not to be bullied.

Life's Journey through a Woman's Eyes

You are my love, you are my sunshine
You are my heart, my joy, just mine
I live to hear your voice every day we are apart
I live to see your smile when we are together all the time we are apart
I know you fill me – body, mind and soul
You make me whole

Am I just a wife – part of the marriage deal?
What about my dreams and needs?
They began to whither was I struggled to live the life based on your wants
I never thought I would have to fight for your attention and love
Maybe we took it for granted that love
I wanted to be one and know you body, mind and soul
In everything I said and did, no matter how foolish and misguided, that’s been my only goal

Every woman dreams of a family and children she creates with the one she loves
I thought that was your dream too
I was ready to and did do a lot to make our dream come true
Sadly you changed your dreams and I never knew
Just let me make plans – pipe dreams, castles in the air,
Disappointments, confusion and no one to share
Yet another dream to give up

When I returned from a short break I was hugged and kissed and felt I was missed
You wanted me!! I had struck gold again
The caring and sharing and the openness wiped out the pain
I was in love again, lost in the feeling of this newness again
The smile on my face refused to budge just as my libido
I wore my heart on my sleeve – to the world on show
It was life the first time, renewing our vows with our bodies and minds
A life I wished all would find.

The despair that is my life
What have a lacked as a wife?
Death would be welcome
If you do not come
I am so stupid I cannot even do something about that
Slicing the arteries on the wrist will stop the pain – that’s a fact
But the thought of causing you pain
I have nothing to gain
I asked time and again tell what you want
I will make my wants your want
But you are hard, will give me nothing to live on
Just ask me to live on
Slowly I began to accept my fate
The efforts to make a change were too late
I made a life lacking in hope
Lived every with death the only hope
To be free of this pain

To make matters worse I became ill
Every breath eventually became an act of will
I could not do for others as before
All my devotion of the past wiped out forever more
The betrayal is great was I ever more than a useful slave?
Why cannot anyone see my pain and put some love salve?
Give up hope give up feelings give up love
Forget that you ever were and free myself of love

Best live in the shadows, do what I am told
If I was to have my love – you - to hold
Diverted my passion to study
Forgetfulness that provided was heady
Going though the motions of living
Does not a life make.

Then you spoke to me again
Sharing and caring once again
I ask myself is this likely to remain?
I was to accept the care and love
My heart cautions can this be true
Dare I take up this roller coaster ride
You persuade me, take a leap of faith,
Game your heart for I am on your side
I will keep alive your faith
My heart flutters a first stirring of life in a long time
Will you remain true this time?

You talk of past and about moving on and I listen
Happy to have you back and I think you will also listen
Then you go and shoot my dreams down in flames
I do not know you are playing what games
You find her and I caution think about the motives
You write to her saying I just want to know she is fine
You say you are my life and wife but I want to have closure this time
Things are escalating out of hand
With my life still clutched in your hand
I care, I could have shared, but you never trusted me enough
Now I am bereft, I know not what to do
I know not what to say
Tears roll unbidden, dreams and heart in tatters once again
Stupid to feel so much so strongly about someone I do not know
But you know

I am terrified I am loosing you
You say you are aware that you are going through the infatuation stage now
But where am I now?
Where will I be soon?
I am not too proud to beg
Please give me back my life and love
I cannot share you now loose you
I cannot live without you
I can only say please oh please be MINE
I will stop being foolish, life with you is my only wish

Life is Fleeting

I always worried that a day might come when I am left without my sisters but it was something far in the futur, say in 15 - 20 years time. But the time is right here and what does one do? Nothing as one stands by impotently watching life drift out and away.. the tears are for the ones left behind. No matter how much one wishes things were different but we stop in front of the ultimate truth - our mortality. It makes one wonder what is life about, the small issues, the arguments, small hurts, big laughs, fun, joy, shared memories.... of a lifetime - my lifetime intertwined with those of my sisters. I have not finished grieving for one and the other is gone too. I just want to put a few words out here in the ether that all those gone are in our memory for always.

Brings to heart all the people gone and some hope that they all r sitting somewhere under a nice shady tree sipping long cold drinks and reminiscing about us! People say time heals... but I think time gives strength to remember with joy and happy memories. Of course there will be times when the pain just grabs u by the throat but those times get less and less. After all, I am not new to dealing with loss. So let us all rejoice in the fruitful and full life that was lead by my sisters and give thanks for the lives shared.